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Case history of Andreas A. added
''(The Much of the following text is part of the [[Circumpendium]]:)''
[[Circumcision]]s on infants and children are performed for a variety of reasons. One thing they all have in common - the consequences they have for those affected. Talking about those consequences is something that costs quite an effort.
''(Jonathon Conte is an events coordinator for Bay Area Intactivists. He is proud to have served on the Committee Opposing Forced Male Circumcision which gathered the signatures of over 12,000 San Francisco voters in support of the San Francisco Male Genital Mutilation Bill. This speech, which he kindly provided me with, was held at the [[AAP]] Conference in New Orleans in October 2012)''<ref>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NF0oTsNp9Q</ref>
== Andreas A. ==
„I was not really a boy anymore“ - [[Circumcision]]: experience report of an affected person - October 2013
===Circumcision===
I was circumcised at the age of about 8 years in the early nineties. The reason for this was that my [[foreskin]] did not retract easily and it hurt to urinate. My parents drove my sister and me to an urologist. There I was laid on a couch and the doctor examined me, while my family stood by and watched. I felt humiliated and embarrassed, but apparently they did not worry about my feelings. After a short time the result of the examination was announced: I had to be circumcised.
My parents had indeed heard of the [[foreskin]], but did not know what it was exactly. But the doctor calmed my parents, saying it was only a small cut and then I would be free of the problems forever. My parents did not learn more. Neither were they informed about the alternatives to being circumcised, nor were they told everything is cut and what effect this would have.
Since there seemed to be no big deal, my parents agreed and we drove an appointment a few days later in the hospital. There I was, “according to the rules of medical science”, i.e. under additional local anesthesia and general anesthesia cut radically, that is the entire [[foreskin]] was removed. The surgery went as planned and there were no complications. When I was woke up in the hospital from the anesthesia, I still did not worry because I had been told that it was only a small cut. That same day we were able to drive home.
But already on the way the anesthesia wore off and the pain came. It began to burn terribly and with every movement, a sharp pain shot through me. At home, I could then take a look at the result of [[circumcision]], because I had no [surgical wrappings], but only a kind of loincloth made of bandages around my [[penis]]. The first look was a shock for me. It just looked terrible. The glans was colored bright red and below was the swollen and blue tarnished wound with dark red edges of the wound, from the dark blue threads were held together. Was this the "small cut" done there? I had not been prepared because no one had told me what all would be cut off. My parents were surprised that so much had been cut off.
In the days after the surgery I had severe pain. On the one hurt the fresh wound, and came to the pain that was caused by the fact that the now unprotected glans constantly rubbing on cloth bandage. It was particularly bad when urinating, because it was scorching and therefore I could let it run only dribs and drabs. My mother made me then regularly use a lukewarm liquid in which I had to dip my [[penis]]. I did not know for what good it did, because it did not relieve the pain. The odor of this liquid has so burned into my memory that I can still clearly remember even today.
During the healing phase, I could not wear pants, and even the blankets in bed were not possible without pain. However, that was not my biggest problem. Were much worse for me the psychological effects. I felt mutilated and incomplete. I was of the opinion that I could not be a real boy anymore because something has been cut away from the [[penis]] and I had no full body more. Could what was left be called a "[[penis]]" at all? A [[penis]] always includes the [[foreskin]].
Several times I asked my mother if it would grow back, what had been cut away, but I never got a concrete reply.
===At school===
It took several days before I could go back to school. My classmate asked me, why I had been so long absent from school and whether I was sick, but I gave them no answer. It was not only too embarrassing, but I had such inhibitions that I did not even mention a single word about it. My teacher, however, told the class about my [[circumcision]] and what it did. In the very first hour of class she spoke about it. She told the students what is done at a [[circumcision]] and said that it was not bad at all. I felt exposed and betrayed, but even here no one seemed to be interested in my feelings. Of course, my teacher meant well, but while I was at the center of the conversation, but I just felt like an outsider.
I stayed in that school until the end of elementary and beyond, but I began to close myself off from my classmates. The whole class knew now that I was mutilated and I was not a real boy more. My already weak self-confidence was thereby greatly damaged. From then on, I felt uncomfortable in school and often had abdominal pain. It was especially bad on days on which we had physical education. While in the locker room we were never completely naked and had never took off our underwear, even this situation scared me. It would eventually be can someone runterzog [take off?] my pants and you mocked me.
After primary school I went to high school -- it was an all-boys school. Since I still did not feel like a real boy, I felt out of place there from the beginning. This fact in connection with my low self-confidence made sure that I hardly made any friendships and isolated me from my classmates. In the second year at this school we got swimming lessons. The pool was just a great all students locker room. The other boys apparently had no problem with it, before the eyes the others move out, and walked around there freely. With a feeling of envy I had to see that they had a full body and still had what had been cut off my body. It gave me the unbearable feeling of being inferior, and I was ashamed of my incomplete body. So no one was allowed to see my mutilated [[penis]] and figure out I was not a real boy. It was also incredibly embarrassing to me that my [[penis]] was completely exposed and you could see the most intimate part of my body. In nearly panic, I looked for the most inconspicuous corner and waited with the Relocate [?] until most classmates were ready and I felt unobserved.
For a time, this tactic worked, but one day I spoke to a classmate about my behavior. He realized that I was ashamed to show myself naked, spoke to me courage and waited for me. I moved on a frantic heartbeat before his eyes. When he saw that I was circumcised, he suddenly stopped talking and stared at me with a pitying look. I turned around and pulled my [suit on] quickly to continue. I was totally embarrassed that he saw me and felt physically exposed. More than that, I had at that moment lost control of it, to determine if someone found out about my [[circumcision]]. I don’t know today whether he kept it to himself or told others in class. This uncertainty caused that I did not trust my classmates and even felt a little threatened by them.
The whole situation at this school gave me great stress and increasingly I always got frequent headaches. My absenteeism increased and my grades were always worse. After several visits to the doctor to find a solution to this problem, I was sent to the school psychologist to find out the cause of my problems. Even after several appointments, I could not think how to tell him the real problems. I never talked to anyone about it and my parents sensed nothing during my school years about my problems with [[circumcision]].
Eventually, I was unable to stay at this school, due my high absenteeism. I went to another school for secondary school, where my situation improved somewhat again. No one knew of my mutilation and that I was not really a boy anymore. There were a few situations where I had to be careful that no one saw me naked or otherwise, of my obvious [[circumcision]].
In religious education, there was the situation in which talked about religions where the boys are circumcised. I found the subject very embarrassing and I hoped that no one would notice and find out that I myself was circumcised. I feared the teacher would ask us who was circumcised, but fortunately that failed to materialize.
What I noticed was, however, as harmless and of course the topic was presented. I had quite a different experience, but I was too embarrassed to talk about it. Otherwise I had during the school day fear more school trips, because here the Risk was that someone saw me in the shower. Therefore, I rarely went into the shower and was careful that no one was near. The fear of the showers was also that kept me from doing in my spare time sport. Similarly, it would be inconceivable for me been on public toilets to go to the urinal.
===The discovery of sexuality===
Sometime during my school days I started with masturbation, which without [[foreskin]] was not quite simple. First I tried with a dry hand to rub the glans, but except unpleasant to painful feelings nothing further happened. I then tried different techniques and tools such as soft cloth from which it although somewhat worked, with which I also sometimes minor injuries, such as Abrasions on the glans, drew upon. Eventually I came up with the idea as shampoo to use a lubricant. It worked quite well for a short time, but ultimately it dried the Skin quite strong, so that created fissures on the surface of the glans and for some time no more pain-free masturbation was possible. It took a long time until I right had found techniques and lubricant with which the masturbation without major problems was possible. Especially during the time of experimentation I wished again my [[foreskin]] back. I just wanted to be a normal boy.
Meanwhile, I had finally given up the hope that my [[foreskin]] grow back would and so I had to somehow come to terms with my condition. I wish my [[foreskin]] back and tried many times to imagine what it would be like to have a [[foreskin]]. The Certainty that nothing would change in my condition caused an oppressive feeling and I wondered how I could endure my life that way. In the youth magazine "Bravo" I read at that time, that it is quite normal to be circumcised, and therefore no one Has disadvantages. These statements came as naturally called, because it would mean that I could lead a normal life and should not worry about that. I tried to convince myself that only a small useless piece of skin was removed and that I actually should have no problems with it. I suppressed my problems, but has been very successful I did not order.
At every opportunity, the problems came up again and again. It was enough of, if, for example, by trimming hedges or right was the speech and I was immediately reminded of my [[circumcision]] and my imperfect body. Still felt I envy and a sense of inferiority when I thought of that other boy a were allowed to have their whole body and not on intimate area of her body piece had been cut away. In this situation, it was still almost impossible for me to build my confidence. One few times, I still took all my courage and spoke with a friend or classmate about my [[circumcision]] and the problems I had with it. However, the subject was in each case downright stalled, even before I had ever uttered. My problem was simply not taken seriously, and yet circumcised with phrases such as "There are so many guys, this is quite normal." or "It is much more hygienic and can be much longer during sex." recklessly dismissed.
===The first relationship===
I was already 18 years old when I got my first relationship - that is, in my case, my first Friend - had. Before that I had indeed been longing for a loving friend, but was long Time with my body so dissatisfied that a relationship for me was out of the question. I was Fear of being rejected because of my imperfect body and also wanted anyone do my mutilated [[penis]]. I also felt in the presence of other Boys still inferior.
So then I met my first boyfriend know. The first question posed to me was how he would react when he first sees me naked. I suppose I could with my incomplete body does not meet his expectations completely. Also, I had anyway Inhibitions to show me somebody naked.
Finally it came to first sexual Contacts with him. We lay together in bed when he suddenly went into my pants with his hand. He began the skin on my [[penis]] around, obviously trying to pull, not mine to move existing [[foreskin]]. My heart was racing and I began to tremble, for now he would find out that I was circumcised. Then after a short time when he actually noticed that something was wrong, he asked me if I was circumcised. So now the moment had come, where I had to tell him. With difficulty I managed a quiet "yes" out. To my surprise seemed not seem to mind, because he showed no negative Reactions. However, his touches were still not much more pleasant, because he simply did not know how to deal with a circumcised [[penis]]. Conversely, it was otherwise, because I did not know how to deal with an uncircumcised [[penis]] had.
Apparently I added him to pain, as I rubbed my hand just above his [[penis]]. He then showed me how I had before and push the [[foreskin]] back at him, which for me is a fascinating feeling was that I did not know before. Another surprise for me was that his [[penis]] hardly smelled. I had heard that it is always damp under the [[foreskin]] and therefore quickly forms a strong smell, but both did not apply. Although it was already many hours ago since, my friend had recently washed, to my amazement was hardly a smell perceptible.
===Sexual disadvantages===
Less enjoyable for me it was the difference between a circumcised and a to experience intact [[penis]]. So far I can only speculate as an intact [[penis]] in detail looks like and I did not even know how the [[foreskin]] works. Now I had the first time direct comparison and I had a number of negative effects of [[circumcision]] with me notice. Besides the obvious difference being that my [[foreskin]] was missing, the glans lay under it was only a thin scar line, I noticed at first sight clear color - and structural differences. While he was a delicate purple, pink [[foreskin]] and a Acorn had a smooth surface, my [[penis]] was pale and had more of a gray-brown color. Moreover, the surface was not smooth, but a dry and slightly shriveled Skin layer, a thin cornea that had formed over the years, because of the Protection of the glans through the [[foreskin]] was missing.
But not only in appearance but also in the sensitivity, there were clear differences. Unlike my friend who reacted very sensitive to touch, it took with me have a fixed pressure, so I felt anything at all. Since me with the sensitive inner [[foreskin]] is an erogenous zone was cut away and the glans due to lack of protection was dulled with time; I was mainly at the edge sensitive glans, where a few millimeters residual [[foreskin]] and [[circumcision]] scar was. Had at this point my friend touch with firm pressure and with the help of lubricant, so I sufficiently was stimulated. If he did not touched me in the right place, I felt a little something and when the handle was too hard or not enough lubricant, it quickly became uncomfortable and sometimes painful. It took quite a while to get my friend had taught the proper technique. He told me often during this time, how easy it but whether in its intact ex-boyfriend was, and what else he could have done to him what with me was not possible. It is therefore not the case that only a small piece of skin missing and the [[circumcision]] has no major influence on sexuality, as is often claimed.
For me it has the appearance, decrease its sensitivity and by the lack of [[foreskin]] and the sexual design options limited. I realized that my [[penis]] is not as worked and provided more than ever, I felt my body as mutilated. After about half a year my boyfriend broke from me again. He told me afterwards, that he finds a circumcised [[penis]] boring, but not what is the reason for the separation. What little confidence I had built up until then, was one stroke back destroyed. In my relationships I had since then, I remembered it again and again and had each time been re afraid of the moment when I had to admit circumcised be. Fortunately, there was only this one negative reaction my first friend, the others it was relatively unimportant - at least they said it that way.
In every relationship I had to the following begin again to teach my partners, as they had to deal with me, since none of them previously had a circumcised friend. It always took a long time until it smoothly worked. As long as I just had to lend a hand to an orgasm, which was unsatisfactory not only for me but also for my partner. In addition to that particular the need of lubricant usually bothersome, unpleasant or even disgusting was. Overall, it was hardly possible to enjoy a natural and carefree sexuality. The only exception was a sexual partner who was also cut at this point. He knew already, but in this case the sex was unsatisfying for me. I was already clear I find that a circumcised [[penis]] unattractive, because it just seems to me mutilated and I order a lot of negative associations linking.
These feelings were wrong during sex all around in my head time, so simply nothing worked. In an intact sexual partners I feel even negative emotions such as grief for their own loss and Envy, but these feelings can hide themselves much better.
===The circumcision debate===
For several years, I have a boyfriend who is just fine with my [[circumcision]] so I could suppress the topic quite well at this time. I rarely came in depressive Phases, which I previously had a lot more often. But changed the [[Circumcision Debate|circumcision debate]] in 2012 the back. The judgment of the District Court of Cologne, the [[circumcision]] as injury evaluated, was very surprising to me, because there was no question for me that it comes to a Injury is. There is finally a useful part of the body removed, to a series leads to negative consequences, as I had to experience it on your own body. What the debate for me made so onerous were the newspaper articles and commentaries in which the [[circumcision]] almost unbearable, it has been trivialized. It was frightening for me to determine how little people knew about the effects of [[circumcision]]. [[Circumcision]] was shown partly as a harmless procedure that is comparable to vaccination or cutting hair.
The [[Circumcision Debate|circumcision debate]], and especially the comments trivializing attended me for it, that the painful memories of my [[circumcision]] came to the fore again. I was forced to investigate this issue myself again. I realized how much the [[circumcision]] had affected my life so far. The effects of my [[circumcision]] make even now, 20 years later, felt. It leaves a distinct mark when grow up with the feeling of not being a real boy, and thereby inferior years feels. I still have low self-confidence, which in my life in many Ways limits. Especially in professional life that is still a big problem for me. I am dissatisfied with my body and the physical disadvantages of [[circumcision]]. The ever more progressive desensitization is noticeable.
Meanwhile, I have during sex active and focused work towards orgasm and it cannot just relax and enjoy. Often these efforts are in vain. Even today, I am reminded every day of my [[circumcision]]. So much so that even anyone going to the toilet and the sight of my circumcised [[penis]] gnaws on my mood. At some point, enough is enough and I'll be back regularly in depressive phases. My friend tells me in such moments, so that it cannot go on and I think he's right. Currently I find out about psychotherapy and hope that I thus at least a part of my Problems getting to grips with.
However, since the [[Circumcision Debate|circumcision debate]] I can handle more open with my [[circumcision]]. While I have it hidden for 20 years, I can now talk about it. I have started with friends and colleagues about [[circumcision]] and also my personal Problems to talk to. In doing so I often find that my interlocutors little about know the subject and misinformation that are still widespread. But at least my problems are now being taken somewhat seriously and not as it used to directly quashed. I was also concerned with, share with them via the Internet or just read about their experiences. I realized that many other men have such problems, and these places are amazingly similar.
===The conversation with the parents===
After talking with many people about it, I also spoke for the first time my parents of my [[circumcision]]. They did not at all that I so such problems and had also still have. They led my problems in school do not flow and since I had never spoken to them about it, they thought it was fine for me, to have been circumcised. I have them also on the physical and mental health problems told that I have since then, but I did not feel that they the full extent of my Problems comprehend. Especially my father, my problems do not seem to understand. My parents cannot imagine the consequences of their decision had on my life is. They have thus determined in a manner of my life today, as it is not for them. They have determined about my current physical and mental state. They also have deep encroached my sexual self-determination, by having made sure that I do not can learn normal sexuality. Although I assume that my parents only the best for I wanted and not have decided otherwise would have because the doctor did not properly had cleared, I see the relationship with my parents as a burden.
I ordered from my parents also exactly the problems that I had at that time report. So far I assumed that I had a tight [[foreskin]] (phimosis) and therefore cut was, with a phimosis itself only in the rarest cases, requires a radical [[circumcision]]. But what my parents told me not listened to for a phimosis. It seemed rather as be that easy for me, the [[foreskin]] is still fused to the glans in childhood, had not been properly replaced and the removal process did not go completely smoothly. When so, my [[circumcision]] would be difficult to justify, as it is, this is a ordinary process. Today I know that the vast majority of medical justified [[circumcision]] is unnecessary because there are other promising measures such as are ointment therapy and [[foreskin]]-sustaining interventions or because the problem in many cases with themselves over time done. When I look at all this together, I have to assume that with me no compelling need for a [[circumcision]] was. I nevertheless has been tweaked and now has to live with the drawbacks, is more depressing. I would have wished that my parents are better informed and more patience with my former would have had problems.
===New ways===
About half a year I started with a manual [[foreskin]] [[Restoration|reconstruction]]. There the shaft skin is stretched and with time forms on the train points under the skin after. Although it can not restore the sensitive tissue of the [[foreskin]], but the one can thus produce an almost normal appearance, and the other protects the so-produced the glans skin, which then can regenerate a bit far. When pausing the elongation, I make sure with a rubber attachment that the glans is protected around the clock from friction. At night I wear in addition to a cornea-dissolving moisturizer.
This treatment shows first effect already. The color of the glans is going to return to normal and the sensitivity has increased a little. Overall, it will take several years, until enough skin has formed to cover the glans. While it will never be like a real [[foreskin]] all its functions, but I can at least the physical effects of my [[circumcision]] somewhat mitigated. So far, the skin has already become a little looser, so that they at erections less stressed. It's not much, but even such little progress has help me a lot continue to build my self-confidence.
Another attempt to build my self-confidence is to do sports, to me feeling more comfortable back in my body. So far I have in my life as good as any sports made, and little care of my body, because for me it just does not make sense made. After all, he had been mutilated and it would stay forever. Meanwhile, I 'm but believe that I can achieve that progress. A sportier character in connection with at least one optically reconstructed [[foreskin]] is safe for both my well-being as well boost my self-confidence. Therefore, I have decided to regularly go to the gym to go. From the very first appointment I was also forced me my greatest to provide fears and showers to go there. For me it was a great challenge to me pull out a room in which other men are. My legs were shaking so much, that the pulling me alone caused difficulties. I felt again as in Swimming lessons in the school, but I got used to it after a short time situation. I took a shower, dried off and got dressed again - it was done and no one had bothered that I am circumcised. It was a great feeling, this situation, before I was always afraid to experience than normal.
Meanwhile, more than a year has passed since the Cologne court ruling and we have a law that allows parents to circumcise their sons, just because they want it. In a society, which is only slightly aware of the far-reaching consequences of [[circumcision]], this law causes a lot of suffering. Many people in Germany are unnecessary although [[circumcision]] already critical, but the understanding of the full extent of the problem still seems to be very widespread. Still be the most common Misinformation disseminated, partly self-critical set of people. Currently I am involved in it, to establish a society of and for genital self determination of children used especially of boys. I want there with the experience of my [[circumcision]] contribute to the suffering of many circumcised men is recognized in society and belong to the past unnecessary [[circumcision]]s.
== See also ==