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„I I was not really a boy anymore“ - [[Circumcision]]: experience report of an affected person - October 2013
→Martin Wolper, 39: Wikify.
''(Much of the following text is part of the [[Circumpendium]]:)''
[[Circumcision]]s on infants and children are performed for a variety of reasons. One thing they all have in common - — the consequences they have for those affected. Talking about those consequences is something that costs quite an effort.
Barely anyone is comfortable with the idea of publicly talking about [[Sexual effects of circumcision| sexual]] or [[Psychological issues of male circumcision| psychological]] problems. The inhibition threshold to disclose one's weaknesses and vulnerabilities is high. Many are not even able to overcome the shame face to face with their family, friends or doctors.
Immediately following the [[circumcision]], I was extremely inhibited. I was ashamed, felt like a misfit. I refused to shower with the others after PE classes, because I felt like a monster with a [[penis]] that didn't look like a [[penis]]. On top of that, there were the awful, bulging [[Circumcision scar| scars]] and for a long time, the unpleasant feeling when my [[penis]] rubbed against my underwear. It only faded gradually, and I calmed down.
When I reached puberty and began to be interested in sexuality, I naturally read the sexual education pages in the "Bravo". I still vividly remember how they often wrote about how pretty and hygienic a [[circumcised]] [[penis]] would be and how long lasting [[Circumcised#Circumcised_males| circumcised men]] were during sex. I believed all of it and claimed it myself for years. I was proud of my [[circumcised ]] [[penis]] and how long I could last.
In my [[circumcision]], the entire [[foreskin]], and therefore all of the sensitive tissue on its inside, was amputated. Since the [[glans]] was now exposed as a result, the constant excitation from underwear and the strong friction from masturbating with my hand caused it to become more and more callused and therefore less sensitive. Callused does of course not mean my glans looks like other people's heels. But the surface of my glans is dry, much thicker and often fissured. It is nowhere near what it is on a normal [[penis]]: tender, moist, sensitive. My sexuality was always mingled with disappointment. Disappointment that the feelings I had were never so intense. Disappointment that fulfilment fulfillment often failed to appear. Disappointment about the feeling to give, but not to receive much. Intercourse often ended in my partners' pleas to come to an end, since they where starting to feel pain, while I was often just starting to build up intense feelings at that point.
Due to ignorance, for a long time I blamed it on the individual women. I thought they were frigid or assumed they "just don't know how to do it". Only recently I realised how very wrong I had been. When the urge to experience a sexual "kick" culminated in several adulteries, my marriage was almost ruined as well. Meanwhile, we managed to save our marriage, and I am endlessly grateful to my wife for that. My [[circumcision]] has deprived me of a huge part of my sexuality for ever. It not only burdens me a lot, but also my wife, who suffers a great deal from being unable to give me what I desire.
I also remember the pre-school examination and the school examination in 1st grade very well, when I stood in front of the school doctor, and she pulled down the front of my underpants and immediately tried to pull back my [[foreskin]], which was impossible even in a flaccid state and hurt a lot. Then she said that this would need to be "operated on immediately". In 1st grade, this examination happened in front of the schoolmistress. The conclusion remains that in school medicine of that day no opportunity was missed to subject boys to unnecessary and, in case of the very common narrowings, painful examinations of their [[penis]] - with the clear aim to combat all phimoses still present in primary school by complete [[Circumcision|foreskin amputation]]s. There is no other way to explain this ever-repeated sifting through the school classes.
When my [[penis]] was still [[intact]], which was up to almost 7 years of age, I myself never felt any need to pull back my tight [[foreskin]]. This was always just of special interest for the doctors. I never had any infections. Only the ballooning during [[urination ]] was a bit unpleasant, which was also seen as an urgent indicator for an urgent [[Circumcision|foreskin amputation]]. What a ridiculous assessment! Today, being almost 40 years old, I stretch my way to a new [[foreskin]] with customary devices, and I gain almost half a centimetre a month. For an unhindered flow of [[urine]], it would have taken just few more millimetres of preputial opening. How easily could I have been helped with the most simple methods of careful [[stretching]], without sacrificing my otherwise unscarred and uninfected [[foreskin]].
Even though my parents openmindedly discussed my [[phimosis]] with me (sometimes with others as well, which I always perceived as very embarrassing), they never really explained to me how a [[foreskin]] was supposed to function. My dad, who was still [[intact]] by that time, never showed me the [[foreskin]] on his [[penis]] and how my [[penis]] would look after the [[circumcision]]. I only remember my mother once mentioning that a single cut could be placed in the [[foreskin]], but that it would then "hang like rag", so cutting it off would be better, and that a lot of other boys had that, too. A therapy with creams was never tried on me, and people who claimed a [[phimosis]] could be treated with [[stretching]] were ridiculed. The doctor who was acquainted with my parents, who eventually performed the operation when I was six years old and who had "examined" me several times before (meaning he tried to forcefully retract my [[foreskin]]) also wasn't man enough to demonstrate to me how a [[foreskin]] was to be retracted and, most importantly, what my [[penis]] would look like after the operation. I very vividly remember the moment when I first saw my [[penis]] afterwards, deeply [[shock]]ed about the blood-red naked glans, but the doctor quickly said it had all gone perfectly and that I wouldn't need to be worried.
In the following years I didn't really suffer from being circumcised, and due to the doctors' relentless screenings there where several other boys in my class sharing my fate. Puberty didn't change that as well, and I had generally good sex with my girlfriends.
In my 20's, that began to change. I got more and more aware of my differentness, I felt robbed of my [[intact ]] [[penis]] and of the experience of how it would feel with a retractable [[foreskin]]. I grew an interest in observing other, [[intact]] men. The thought of a flaccid, uncut [[penis]] with ample [[foreskin]] and especially its movement started to cause strong sexual arousal. To see and to feel what I myself didn't have, wasn't allowed to experience and still wanted so desperately.
I began to increasingly envy [[intact]] men for their unadulterated relation to their [[penis]], combined with a feeling of inferiority. This does also increasingly inhibit me towards women, even though I know that women usually have no objections towards [[circumcised]] [[penis]]es.
I was about 14 years old when I learned that part of my [[penis]] had been cut off. It seems like this is something that one might realize earlier in life and yet I never did. I was never taught about normal male anatomy and no one ever explained to me that I had undergone genital surgery as an infant. When I learned the devastating truth, my stomach sank and my throat closed up.
It wasn't easy for me to accept reality. Even though I understood that part of my body had been removed, I was in denial about the implications of this fact. I battled with depression, particularly whenever I had to see my [[penis]]. Each time that I got undressed to take a shower, I would see the [[Circumcision scar | scar]] and I would be reminded of what was stolen from me. Each time that I [[Preputial_sac#Urination| urinated]], I would be reminded that I would never know how my body was meant to look and how my body was meant to feel. I felt violated and helpless. I felt embarrassed and angry. I felt robbed and betrayed. I felt incomplete and damaged. And yet, I was incapable of verbalizing any of this. I was paralysed by embarrassment of my condition and by fear that others would neither understand nor sympathize.
It took over a decade of trying to cope with my emotions before I gained the strength to take a closer look at the issue. I read about the [[Foreskin#Physiological_functions| functions]] of the [[intact]] penis. I studied the numerous physical, physiological and [[Psychological issues of male circumcision| psychological]] problems that result from male [[circumcision]] and I began to recognize many of them in my own life. I learned of [[Circumstraint| the way that babies are restrained during the surgery]] and the various techniques that are used to rip, clamp, crush, and cut their tiny bodies. I came to understand the greed, arrogance, and ignorance that perpetuates the [[genital mutilation]] of children.
So now I speak out. Because I don't want any other child to have to make the same painful discovery that I did: That they were denied their [[Human rights| human right]] to keep the whole body with which they were born.
''([[Jonathon Conte is ]] was an events coordinator for [[Bay Area Intactivists]]. He is was proud to have served on the Committee Opposing Forced Male Circumcision which gathered the signatures of over 12,000 San Francisco voters in support of the San Francisco Male Genital Mutilation Bill. This speech, which he kindly provided me with, was held at the [[AAP]] Conference in New Orleans in October 2012)''<ref>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NF0oTsNp9Q</ref>
== Andreas A. ==
===Circumcision===
I stayed in that school until the end of elementary and beyond, but I began to close myself off from my classmates. The whole class knew now that I was mutilated and I was not a real boy more. My already weak self-confidence was thereby greatly damaged. From then on, I felt uncomfortable in school and often had abdominal pain. It was especially bad on days on which we had physical education. While in the locker room we were never completely naked and had never took off our underwear, even this situation scared me. It would eventually be can someone runterzog [take off?] my pants and you mocked me.
After primary school I went to high school -- — it was an all-boys school. Since I still did not feel like a real boy, I felt out of place there from the beginning. This fact in connection with my low self-confidence made sure that I hardly made any friendships and isolated me from my classmates. In the second year at this school we got swimming lessons. The pool was just a great all students locker room. The other boys apparently had no problem with it, before the eyes the others move out, and walked around there freely. With a feeling of envy I had to see that they had a full body and still had what had been cut off my body. It gave me the unbearable feeling of being inferior, and I was ashamed of my incomplete body. So no one was allowed to see my mutilated [[penis]] and figure out I was not a real boy. It was also incredibly embarrassing to me that my [[penis]] was completely exposed and you could see the most intimate part of my body. In nearly panic, I looked for the most inconspicuous corner and waited with the Relocate [?] until most classmates were ready and I felt unobserved.
For a time, this tactic worked, but one day I spoke to a classmate about my behavior. He realized that I was ashamed to show myself naked, spoke to me courage and waited for me. I moved on a frantic heartbeat before his eyes. When he saw that I was [[circumcised]], he suddenly stopped talking and stared at me with a pitying look. I turned around and pulled my [suit on] quickly to continue. I was totally embarrassed that he saw me and felt physically exposed. More than that, I had at that moment lost control of it, to determine if someone found out about my [[circumcision]]. I don’t know today whether he kept it to himself or told others in class. This uncertainty caused that I did not trust my classmates and even felt a little threatened by them.
The whole situation at this school gave me great stress and increasingly I always got frequent headaches. My absenteeism increased and my grades were always worse. After several visits to the doctor to find a solution to this problem, I was sent to the school psychologist to find out the cause of my problems. Even after several appointments, I could not think how to tell him the real problems. I never talked to anyone about it and my parents sensed nothing during my school years about my problems with [[circumcision]].
===The discovery of sexuality===
Sometime during my school days I started with [[masturbation]], which without [[foreskin]] was not quite simple. First I tried with a dry hand to rub the [[glans]], but except unpleasant to painful feelings nothing further happened. I then tried different techniques and tools such as soft cloth from which it although somewhat worked, with which I also sometimes minor injuries, such as Abrasions on the glans, drew upon. Eventually I came up with the idea as shampoo to use a lubricant. It worked quite well for a short time, but ultimately it dried the [[skin]] quite strong, so that created fissures on the surface of the glans and for some time no more pain-free [[masturbation]] was possible. It took a long time until I right had found techniques and lubricant with which the [[masturbation]] without major problems was possible. Especially during the time of experimentation I wished again my [[foreskin]] back. I just wanted to be a normal boy.
Meanwhile, I had finally given up the hope that my [[foreskin]] grow back would and so I had to somehow come to terms with my condition. I wish my [[foreskin]] back and tried many times to imagine what it would be like to have a [[foreskin]]. The Certainty that nothing would change in my condition caused an oppressive feeling and I wondered how I could endure my life that way. In the youth magazine "Bravo" I read at that time, that it is quite normal to be [[circumcised]], and therefore no one Has disadvantages. These statements came as naturally called, because it would mean that I could lead a normal life and should not worry about that. I tried to convince myself that only a small useless piece of [[skin]] was removed and that I actually should have no problems with it. I suppressed my problems, but has been very successful I did not order.
At every opportunity, the problems came up again and again. It was enough of, if, for example, by trimming hedges or right was the speech and I was immediately reminded of my [[circumcision]] and my imperfect body. Still felt I envy and a sense of inferiority when I thought of that other boy a were allowed to have their whole body and not on intimate area of her body piece had been cut away. In this situation, it was still almost impossible for me to build my confidence. One few times, I still took all my courage and spoke with a friend or classmate about my [[circumcision]] and the problems I had with it. However, the subject was in each case downright stalled, even before I had ever uttered. My problem was simply not taken seriously, and yet [[circumcised ]] with phrases such as "There are so many guys, this is quite normal." or "It is much more hygienic and can be much longer during sex." recklessly dismissed.
===The first relationship===
I was already 18 years old when I got my first relationship - — that is, in my case, my first Friend - — had. Before that I had indeed been longing for a loving friend, but was long Time with my body so dissatisfied that a relationship for me was out of the question. I was Fear of being rejected because of my imperfect body and also wanted anyone do my mutilated [[penis]]. I also felt in the presence of other Boys still inferior.
So then I met my first boyfriend know. The first question posed to me was how he would react when he first sees me naked. I suppose I could with my incomplete body does not meet his expectations completely. Also, I had anyway Inhibitions to show me somebody naked.
Finally it came to first sexual Contacts with him. We lay together in bed when he suddenly went into my pants with his hand. He began the [[skin]] on my [[penis]] around, obviously trying to pull, not mine to move existing [[foreskin]]. My heart was racing and I began to tremble, for now he would find out that I was [[circumcised]]. Then after a short time when he actually noticed that something was wrong, he asked me if I was [[circumcised]]. So now the moment had come, where I had to tell him. With difficulty I managed a quiet "yes" out. To my surprise seemed not seem to mind, because he showed no negative Reactions. However, his touches were still not much more pleasant, because he simply did not know how to deal with a [[circumcised ]] [[penis]]. Conversely, it was otherwise, because I did not know how to deal with an [[uncircumcised]] [[penis]] had.
Apparently I added him to pain, as I rubbed my hand just above his [[penis]]. He then showed me how I had before and push the [[foreskin]] back at him, which for me is a fascinating feeling was that I did not know before. Another surprise for me was that his [[penis]] hardly smelled. I had heard that it is always damp under the [[foreskin]] and therefore quickly forms a strong smell, but both did not apply. Although it was already many hours ago since, my friend had recently washed, to my amazement was hardly a smell perceptible.
===Sexual disadvantages===
Less enjoyable for me it was the difference between a [[circumcised ]] and a to experience [[intact ]] [[penis]]. So far I can only speculate as an [[intact ]] [[penis]] in detail looks like and I did not even know how the [[foreskin]] works. Now I had the first time direct comparison and I had a number of negative effects of [[circumcision]] with me notice. Besides the obvious difference being that my [[foreskin]] was missing, the glans lay under it was only a thin scar line, I noticed at first sight clear color - and structural differences. While he was a delicate purple, pink [[foreskin]] and a Acorn had a smooth surface, my [[penis]] was pale and had more of a gray-brown color. Moreover, the surface was not smooth, but a dry and slightly shriveled [[skin]] layer, a thin cornea that had formed over the years, because of the Protection of the [[glans ]] through the [[foreskin]] was missing.
But not only in appearance but also in the sensitivity, there were clear differences. Unlike my friend who reacted very sensitive to touch, it took with me have a fixed pressure, so I felt anything at all. Since me with the sensitive inner [[foreskin]] is an erogenous zone was cut away and the glans due to lack of protection was dulled with time; I was mainly at the edge sensitive glans, where a few millimeters residual [[foreskin]] and [[circumcision]] scar was. Had at this point my friend touch with firm pressure and with the help of [[Masturbation#Lubrication| lubricant]], so I sufficiently was stimulated. If he did not touched me in the right place, I felt a little something and when the handle was too hard or not enough lubricant, it quickly became uncomfortable and sometimes painful. It took quite a while to get my friend had taught the proper technique. He told me often during this time, how easy it but whether in its [[intact ]] ex-boyfriend was, and what else he could have done to him what with me was not possible. It is therefore not the case that only a small piece of [[skin]] missing and the [[circumcision]] has no major influence on sexuality, as is often claimed.
For me it has the appearance, decrease its sensitivity and by the lack of [[foreskin]] and the sexual design options limited. I realized that my [[penis]] is not as worked and provided more than ever, I felt my body as mutilated. After about half a year my boyfriend broke from me again. He told me afterwards, that he finds a [[circumcised ]] [[penis]] boring, but not what is the reason for the separation. What little confidence I had built up until then, was one stroke back destroyed. In my relationships I had since then, I remembered it again and again and had each time been re afraid of the moment when I had to admit [[circumcised ]] be. Fortunately, there was only this one negative reaction my first friend, the others it was relatively unimportant - at least they said it that way.
In every relationship I had to the following begin again to teach my partners, as they had to deal with me, since none of them previously had a [[circumcised ]] friend. It always took a long time until it smoothly worked. As long as I just had to lend a hand to an orgasm, which was unsatisfactory not only for me but also for my partner. In addition to that particular the need of lubricant usually bothersome, unpleasant or even disgusting was. Overall, it was hardly possible to enjoy a natural and carefree sexuality. The only exception was a sexual partner who was also cut at this point. He knew already, but in this case the sex was unsatisfying for me. I was already clear I find that a [[circumcised ]] [[penis]] unattractive, because it just seems to me mutilated and I order a lot of negative associations linking.
These feelings were wrong during sex all around in my head time, so simply nothing worked. In an [[intact ]] sexual partners I feel even negative emotions such as grief for their own loss and Envy, but these feelings can hide themselves much better.
===The circumcision debate===
===The conversation with the parents===
After talking with many people about it, I also spoke for the first time my parents of my [[circumcision]]. They did not at all that I so such problems and had also still have. They led my problems in school do not flow and since I had never spoken to them about it, they thought it was fine for me, to have been [[circumcised]]. I have them also on the physical and mental health problems told that I have since then, but I did not feel that they the full extent of my Problems comprehend. Especially my father, my problems do not seem to understand. My parents cannot imagine the consequences of their decision had on my life is. They have thus determined in a manner of my life today, as it is not for them. They have determined about my current physical and mental state. They also have deep encroached my sexual self-determination, by having made sure that I do not can learn normal sexuality. Although I assume that my parents only the best for I wanted and not have decided otherwise would have because the doctor did not properly had cleared, I see the relationship with my parents as a burden.
I ordered from my parents also exactly the problems that I had at that time report. So far I assumed that I had a tight [[foreskin]] (phimosis) and therefore cut was, with a phimosis itself only in the rarest cases, requires a radical [[circumcision]]. But what my parents told me not listened to for a phimosis. It seemed rather as be that easy for me, the [[foreskin]] is still fused to the glans in childhood, had not been properly replaced and the removal process did not go completely smoothly. When so, my [[circumcision]] would be difficult to justify, as it is, this is a ordinary process. Today I know that the vast majority of medical justified [[circumcision]] is unnecessary because there are other promising measures such as are ointment therapy and [[foreskin]]-sustaining interventions or because the problem in many cases with themselves over time done. When I look at all this together, I have to assume that with me no compelling need for a [[circumcision]] was. I nevertheless has been tweaked and now has to live with the drawbacks, is more depressing. I would have wished that my parents are better informed and more patience with my former would have had problems.
===New ways===
About half a year I started with a manual [[foreskin]] [[Restoration|reconstruction]]. There the [[shaft skin]] is stretched and with time forms on the train points under the [[skin]] after. Although it can not restore the sensitive tissue of the [[foreskin]], but the one can thus produce an almost normal appearance, and the other protects the so-produced the glans [[skin]], which then can regenerate a bit far. When pausing the elongation, I make sure with a rubber attachment that the [[glans ]] is protected around the clock from friction. At night I wear in addition to a cornea-dissolving moisturizer.
This treatment shows first effect already. The color of the [[glans ]] is going to return to normal and the sensitivity has increased a little. Overall, it will take several years, until enough [[skin]] has formed to cover the glans. While it will never be like a real [[foreskin]] all its functions, but I can at least the physical effects of my [[circumcision]] somewhat mitigated. So far, the [[skin]] has already become a little looser, so that they at erections less stressed. It's not much, but even such little progress has help me a lot continue to build my self-confidence.
Another attempt to build my self-confidence is to do sports, to me feeling more comfortable back in my body. So far I have in my life as good as any sports made, and little care of my body, because for me it just does not make sense made. After all, he had been mutilated and it would stay forever. Meanwhile, I 'm but believe that I can achieve that progress. A sportier character in connection with at least one optically reconstructed [[foreskin]] is safe for both my well-being as well boost my self-confidence. Therefore, I have decided to regularly go to the gym to go. From the very first appointment I was also forced me my greatest to provide fears and showers to go there. For me it was a great challenge to me pull out a room in which other men are. My legs were shaking so much, that the pulling me alone caused difficulties. I felt again as in Swimming swimming lessons in the school, but I got used to it after a short time situation. I took a shower, dried off and got dressed again - it was done and no one had bothered that I am [[circumcised]]. It was a great feeling, this situation, before I was always afraid to experience than normal.
Meanwhile, more than a year has passed since the [[Cologne circumcision court judgment| Cologne court ruling ]] and we have a law that allows parents to circumcise their sons, just because they want it. In a society, which is only slightly aware of the far-reaching consequences of [[circumcision]], this law causes a lot of suffering. Many people in Germany are unnecessary although [[circumcision]] already critical, but the understanding of the full extent of the problem still seems to be very widespread. Still be the most common Misinformation disseminated, partly self-critical set of people. Currently I am involved in it, to establish a society of and for genital self determination of children used especially of boys. I want there with the experience of my [[circumcision]] contribute to the suffering of many [[circumcised ]] men is recognized in society and belong to the past unnecessary [[circumcision]]s.
{{SEEALSO}}