Case histories

(The following text is part of the Circumpendium:)

Circumcisions on infants and children are performed for a variety of reasons. One thing they all have in common - the consequences they have for those affected. Talking about those consequences is something that costs quite an effort.

Barely anyone is comfortable with the idea of publicly talking about sexual or psychological problems. The inhibition threshold to disclose one's weaknesses and vulnerabilities is high. Many are not even able to overcome the shame face to face with their family, friends or doctors.

In the USA, several groups have been campaigning against the usual routine infant circumcision for over 30 years; in Europe, the debate, which had previously hardly come to public attention, gained a significant boost in the wake of the Cologne judgement of 2012, and found its way into the spotlight of public attention. Since then, more and more negatively affected men have spoken out, and documented their ordeal. The number of unidentified cases must be considerable, since the image of the tough "superman", who is expected to be free from mental and bodily problems, is still very much present in people's consciousness.

Many overcome their problems or blame their symptoms on other causes, to avoid having to face the unpleasant truth that they are suffering from the consequences of an operation their parents caused on the assumption of doing the best for their child. The subconscious refusal to comprehend parts of their upbringing as something negative can be observed in many childhood traumas. Especially in the context of religious circumcision, dealing with with the consequences of the circumcision often also means a critical examination of the religion itself, because, when a ritual that was praised as good and important - that is meant to be a blessing and a gift for the circumcised - is the cause of personal grief, it may put the validity of religious commandments in question. Often religious families and communities lack the understanding and willingness to scrutinize the ritual critically, and those affected are met with little or no empathy.

Many who suffer from the consequences of religiously motivated circumcision and now openly speak out, have broken with their religion, and for many it has burdened their relationship with their parents. I have collected several case histories and tales of woe. Some of the affected have asked for shortening or alteration of their names to protect their privacy. To fully appreciate the courage of sharing the reports of their ordeal with others, I have included their reports in their entirety.

Hannes M.

Thinking back to my circumcision, I do not remember physical pain. After all, it was performed cleanly and according to the standards of medical practice in a clinic.

I do not blame my parents, who were acting in good faith, since my paediatrician considered the operation absolutely necessary. It was still the rule that a male foreskin had to be fully retractable by the time you got to school. And mine wasn't. And since I could not pee in a straight line, but only to the side, the "cure" was clear: circumcision.

In the year 1980, a radical removal of the foreskin was the only method of choice for many doctors. And since it was said to be only a tiny intrusion, without any negative consequences, my parents followed the demi-god in white. I only remember very little about the operation and the time following. The most distinct memory is lying in the hospital bed, with a thick bandage around my penis.

Immediately following the circumcision, I was extremely inhibited. I was ashamed, felt like a misfit. I refused to shower with the others after PE classes, because I felt like a monster with a penis that didn't look like a penis. On top of that, there were the awful, bulging scars and for a long time, the unpleasant feeling when my penis rubbed against my underwear. It only faded gradually, and I calmed down.

When I reached puberty and began to be interested in sexuality, I naturally read the sexual education pages in the "Bravo". I still vividly remember how they often wrote about how pretty and hygienic a circumcised penis would be and how long lasting circumcised men were during sex. I believed all of it and claimed it myself for years. I was proud of my circumcised penis and how long I could last.

In my circumcision, the entire foreskin, and therefore all of the sensitive tissue on its inside, was amputated. Since the glans was now exposed as a result, the constant excitation from underwear and the strong friction from masturbating with my hand caused it to become more and more callused and therefore less sensitive. Callused does of course not mean my glans looks like other people's heels. But the surface of my glans is dry, much thicker and often fissured. It is nowhere near what it is on a normal penis: tender, moist, sensitive. My sexuality was always mingled with disappointment. Disappointment that the feelings I had were never so intense. Disappointment that fulfilment often failed to appear. Disappointment about the feeling to give, but not to receive much. Intercourse often ended in my partners' pleas to come to an end, since they where starting to feel pain, while I was often just starting to build up intense feelings at that point.

Due to ignorance, for a long time I blamed it on the individual women. I thought they were frigid or assumed they "just don't know how to do it". Only recently I realised how very wrong I had been. When the urge to experience a sexual "kick" culminated in several adulteries, my marriage was almost ruined as well. Meanwhile, we managed to save our marriage, and I am endlessly grateful to my wife for that. My circumcision has deprived me of a huge part of my sexuality for ever. It not only burdens me a lot, but also my wife, who suffers a great deal from being unable to give me what I desire.

My pathway from being a proponent of circumcision to an opponent was long.

When roughly 5 years ago my son was diagnosed with a symptom-free (a so-called physiological) phimosis, I would have immediately approved of a circumcision, due to my belief in the alleged benefits.

I would have eagerly granted him the "better aesthetics" and "better endurance". In the beginning, I could not understand why my wife resisted and refused to agree to a circumcision. I had always thought she was as convinced by my "enhanced" penis as I was - but that wasn't the case.

Instead she went to see a child urologist. When she saw my son and his harmless phimosis, she was shocked about the flippancy with which our paediatrician wanted to circumcise our son.

A really key experience came two years later. I had by then read on several internet forums that the surface of a circumcised glans gradually becomes thicker and sensitivity fades. So I tried to fight the callused skin with facial defoliant cream. I did not feel any pain, it did not even feel unpleasant.

That was when I slowly realized what I had really lost with the foreskin amputation. I was shocked: what was normal for me my entire life was just a faint "residual sensitivity". I had more sensitivity on my upper arm then on my supposedly most sensitive spot.

This experience also made me understand why so many circumcised men have such a hard time realizing their loss. It is an unimaginably huge step to be able to accept that one has not been refined, but to the contrary, one has lost so much.

I meanwhile found a personal solution. It consists of special latex covers that I use as a foreskin substitute.

The first oral sex after wearing them for about two weeks was incredibly intense. Never before had I felt something like that. Since then, I no longer need desperately to"work" towards reaching climax quickly, but instead I can just let go. Something that I barely knew before: I now can really enjoy sleeping with my wife. And that despite the fact that I still only feel a small portion of what an intact man can.

To me, the circumcision of underaged children or even infants without a pressing medical indication has become an act of bodily assault and abuse of position of trust, no matter if it is performed for religious, traditional or other non-medical reasons.

Önder Özgeday, 29

I was circumcised at the age of 10. Since my parents are of Turkish ancestry, the question of "why" is irrelevant, even though I later learned that a German paediatrician advised it because my foreskin was not retractable.

We all know today that phimosis during childhood is normal and certainly not a reason for circumcision. I think that if I had experienced pain BEFORE the procedure, I would still remember it today. But the pain came AFTER the ritual. The circumciser was a Turkish doctor. To this day I don't know if my parents knew this man beforehand. All I know is that he circumcised many boys in our circle of acquaintances.

I remember my parents preparing me. It would be important and would bring me benefits. It was explained to me as if it was something self-evident. The first visit to the dentist, the first day at school ...

I was neatly dressed and was pretty excited. I would make my parents very proud. I did not want to show fear. I remember the moment when I lay down on the metal table and got out my penis. Full of confidence. Those were my last minutes as a complete human. I got a shot and my lower body became numb. Then he started. I remember the cutting sounds ... blood sprayed in his face. The young assistant helping him looked at me with pity and I did not understand that back then. Wasn't it something nice happening to me? Wasn't it making me into a man? Then the sewing started. When he was done and my penis was packed up in bandages we made our way home. The pain started on the way home. It was unbearable. From this point on I was aware of the betrayal of trust, my betrayal. The pains were so unbearable. And it was to stay that way for months. Infections followed, and the whole thing just refused to heal. The ceremony was due soon as well.

To this day I suffer from the psychological and physical pain. I often hear the term of "rules of medical practice". I doubt my mutilation was done according to them. The pains in my body are everywhere, the cosmetic outcome is miserable. I have the feeling that an amateur mutilated me. I feel betrayed by my parents, by my culture, by Germany. No one protected me, and all of what happened and broke me forever, was legal. I am in therapy up until today, and this experience has marked me forever. When I follow the current debate round here, and see how insensitive and harsh most people are towards this topic, it hurts me a lot. It's about the basic rights of any human! Not about freedom of religion or tolerance. Basic rights are not negotiable. There is even a discussion about benefits and drawbacks. This has to be decided upon by a mature person for himself before he lets his body be modified !!! This goes far beyond parental rights.

Some time ago, I heard of people who stretch their remaining skin with certain devices, to get at least a penis that appears intact. I will start to do this as well, hoping that it will aid my "healing".

Anonymous, 25

I was circumcised at 8 days old during a Jewish bris ceremony. My family is Orthodox Jewish, and they believe that circumcision is a requirement. I witnessed many circumcision ceremonies in my extended family. I always felt very uncomfortable, and some of my uncles would leave the room when the cutting took place. When I started masturbating, I didn't understand that I needed to use lubrication, and so I injured myself. I experienced frequent chafing and bleeding. This still happens if I do not use proper lubrication. I have tight erections. Sometimes when I get erections only the top end of my penis gets erect, starting from the scar midway along my shaft. This condition is known as lymphedema. A few times it has been really painful and it stayed bloated for hours.

I have no frenulum, just scar tissue on the underside of my glans, and therefore no sensitivity under the glans. Unless my glans is moist (which requires external lubrication), I experience virtually no pleasurable touch sensation on my penis. I started restoring almost a year ago, but I have not been doing it regularly because of my active lifestyle. I bike a lot and do lots other activities that require me to be mobile. I think in the near future when I grow more skin I will be able to wear my device while doing such activities. Now I wear my device only 1 to 3 hours per day, and not every day, although I am working on making it more of a habit. One positive result so far is that my shaft skin is more mobile. There are also psychological benefits; doing something to help myself feels really empowering.

Martin Wolper, 39

I was born in the 70s, my older brother had already been circumcised due to an alleged phimosis, and I remember that, from the day I could think, it was said that I had a narrowing of the preputial orifice and when I was about to start to go to school, that it would "have to be done". My parents really believed that, in good faith of doing the best for me. After all, back then in the examination protocols for children as young as two years old phimosis was diagnosed. At an age, where this condition is anatomically totally normal.

I remember the examinations of my foreskin as very unpleasant and painful, and I remember trying to resist them until pre-school age. After that, I believed my parents‘ explanations that it would be necessary and not cause any problems.

A surgeon who was acquainted with my parents was supposed to perform the operation. One time, when I was around 4 years of age, he and his wife came over for dinner, and later on, before bedtime, "Uncle X would examine me". I remember vividly that I was very nervous during dinner, because I didn't want that. Later, everyone - my parents, "Uncle X", his wife and my brother, who had already been circumcised by him - came to my bedroom. I was already lying in bed and I struggled and resisted, my legs were held, my pyjama pants were pulled down, and I cried and still I remember precisely the pain, when my tight foreskin was forcefully pulled back - or rather tried to, because only a small opening could be seen - and my brother laughed at it, and all the other spectators said it wasn't so bad and over soon. The verdict was announced right away: when I got to school, it would "be done".

I also remember the pre-school examination and the school examination in 1st grade very well, when I stood in front of the school doctor, and she pulled down the front of my underpants and immediately tried to pull back my foreskin, which was impossible even in a flaccid state and hurt a lot. Then she said that this would need to be "operated on immediately". In 1st grade, this examination happened in front of the schoolmistress. The conclusion remains that in school medicine of that day no opportunity was missed to subject boys to unnecessary and, in case of the very common narrowings, painful examinations of their penis - with the clear aim to combat all phimoses still present in primary school by complete foreskin amputations. There is no other way to explain this ever-repeated sifting through the school classes.

When my penis was still intact, which was up to almost 7 years of age, I myself never felt any need to pull back my tight foreskin. This was always just of special interest for the doctors. I never had any infections. Only the ballooning during urination was a bit unpleasant, which was also seen as an urgent indicator for an urgent foreskin amputation. What a ridiculous assessment! Today, being almost 40 years old, I stretch my way to a new foreskin with customary devices, and I gain almost half a centimetre a month. For an unhindered flow of urine, it would have taken just few more millimetres of preputial opening. How easily could I have been helped with the most simple methods of careful stretching, without sacrificing my otherwise unscarred and uninfected foreskin.

Even though my parents openmindedly discussed my phimosis with me (sometimes with others as well, which I always perceived as very embarrassing), they never really explained to me how a foreskin was supposed to function. My dad, who was still intact by that time, never showed me the foreskin on his penis and how my penis would look after the circumcision. I only remember my mother once mentioning that a single cut could be placed in the foreskin, but that it would then "hang like rag", so cutting it off would be better, and that a lot of other boys had that, too. A therapy with creams was never tried on me, and people who claimed a phimosis could be treated with stretching were ridiculed. The doctor who was acquainted with my parents, who eventually performed the operation when I was six years old and who had "examined" me several times before (meaning he tried to forcefully retract my foreskin) also wasn't man enough to demonstrate to me how a foreskin was to be retracted and, most importantly, what my penis would look like after the operation. I very vividly remember the moment when I first saw my penis afterwards, deeply shocked about the blood-red naked glans, but the doctor quickly said it had all gone perfectly and that I wouldn't need to be worried.

No one told me beforehand that my penis would be altered in appearance for ever and could never again be experienced in the intended way.

In the following years I didn't really suffer from being circumcised, and due to the doctors' relentless screenings there where several other boys in my class sharing my fate. Puberty didn't change that as well, and I had generally good sex with my girlfriends.

In my 20's, that began to change. I got more and more aware of my differentness, I felt robbed of my intact penis and of the experience of how it would feel with a retractable foreskin. I grew an interest in observing other, intact men. The thought of a flaccid, uncut penis with ample foreskin and especially its movement started to cause strong sexual arousal. To see and to feel what I myself didn't have, wasn't allowed to experience and still wanted so desperately.

I began to increasingly envy intact men for their unadulterated relation to their penis, combined with a feeling of inferiority. This does also increasingly inhibit me towards women, even though I know that women usually have no objections towards circumcised penises.

Three decisions have help me tremendously:

1. acting out the "foreskin-fetish", which I developed as a result of adults‘ fixation on my tight foreskin as a child. I have accepted it as a form of bisexuality and learned to enjoy it - to enjoy in others what I myself miss so much. I'll wait and see if that fascination will fade when I hopefully possess my "new" foreskin in a couple of years.
2. beginning to restore my foreskin. Finally I can experience being the master of my own body again, and to step out of the passiveness that something has happened to me. The results of this measure is a re-sensitivization of the glans and the remaining inner foreskin, to a degree I never expected and never thought possible. This proves to me by my own experience, HOW MUCH sexual sensitivity is destroyed by circumcision, partly for ever, partly actually recoverable.

   No one has the right to do that to someone else.

   ANYONE affected is AFFECTED, regardless if he is aware of it, if he is happy or unhappy. I wasn't aware of it for 25 years, and still I was severely limited in my sexual experience the whole time.

   I want to encourage every man to engage in the search for that lost sensitivity. It belongs to us!

3. My coming out publicly concerning my own experiences of circumcision in the wake of the debate about the recent full legalization of forced circumcision for any reason. The proponents have provoked and hurt me with their outrageous statements in such a way, that I could not abstain from publicly speaking out and getting involved.

Finally, I want to say that I am very glad to see that it seems to be most common these days to treat phimosis first with creams, sparing more boys circumcision more often. Today, I would maybe have been spared as well ... in any case, my example shows that at primary school age, one is simply too young to grasp the late effects of such an irreversible intervention, and that even with sympathetic support by my parents, feelings of powerlessness and being at someone‘s mercy still persist.

Jonathon Conte, 31

As a child, I grew up believing that my body was whole. I grew up assuming that my penis looked and worked the same as any other. I grew up thinking that the scar on my genitals was just a natural part of my body and that all men had it. I grew up figuring that the soreness brought on by clothing and masturbation were normal aspects of being a guy. I never questioned why so many types of underwear were painful, I only found it strange that anyone could manage to wear them.

I was about 14 years old when I learned that part of my penis had been cut off. It seems like this is something that one might realize earlier in life and yet I never did. I was never taught about normal male anatomy and no one ever explained to me that I had undergone genital surgery as an infant. When I learned the devastating truth, my stomach sank and my throat closed up.

It wasn't easy for me to accept reality. Even though I understood that part of my body had been removed, I was in denial about the implications of this fact. I battled with depression, particularly whenever I had to see my penis. Each time that I got undressed to take a shower, I would see the scar and I would be reminded of what was stolen from me. Each time that I urinated, I would be reminded that I would never know how my body was meant to look and how my body was meant to feel. I felt violated and helpless. I felt embarrassed and angry. I felt robbed and betrayed. I felt incomplete and damaged. And yet, I was incapable of verbalizing any of this. I was paralysed by embarrassment of my condition and by fear that others would neither understand nor sympathize.

It took over a decade of trying to cope with my emotions before I gained the strength to take a closer look at the issue. I read about the functions of the intact penis. I studied the numerous physical, physiological and psychological problems that result from male circumcision and I began to recognize many of them in my own life. I learned of the way that babies are restrained during the surgery and the various techniques that are used to rip, clamp, crush, and cut their tiny bodies. I came to understand the greed, arrogance, and ignorance that perpetuates the genital mutilation of children.

So now I speak out. Because I don't want any other child to have to make the same painful discovery that I did: That they were denied their human right to keep the whole body with which they were born.

(Jonathon Conte is an events coordinator for Bay Area Intactivists. He is proud to have served on the Committee Opposing Forced Male Circumcision which gathered the signatures of over 12,000 San Francisco voters in support of the San Francisco Male Genital Mutilation Bill. This speech, which he kindly provided me with, was held at the AAP Conference in New Orleans in October 2012)

See also

• How It Feels to Be Circumcised as an Adult